A New Life…

Got a new truck… gunna talk to the management about learning how to be an insider at work… hopefully I can start to pick up some more hours… make more money and get a bigger house… get a place where I can have roommates… get roommates that are ok with me and my daughter… get a place with a bit of a yard for my daughter… maybe a place to garden for all of us… a place to keep cars and bikes and holiday decor… get rid of the extra shit in my life… boxes of nothing special… have a place where I can live and learn and grow and turn myself into the person I want to be… live a better life and show myself I can… that I don’t need to settle for second place… I love my friends and my family and my job and my truck… I love my life and I know that this feeling doesn’t have to end… and I love that freedom…

Daily observation 8

Been hanging out with my friends… proposed a roommate idea to them… I’m hoping that they are open to it and wish to move forward with the idea… I would get to spend quality time with them as well as have my own space with my daughter… we all have and love our jobs… I know that if something bothers either of them that they aren’t going pussy foot around the issue and that I dont have to either… I know that I’m safe getting close to them and letting them get close to us… I can talk openly with both of them… I really hope they go for the idea…

Daily observation 7

Laughing… just laughing and laughing at the petty attempts for control… maybe nothing is how it seems… maybe you’re not who I think you are… but I’m gonna go with my gut on this… sure I messed up… but don’t you dare try to tell me you didn’t… and don’t you dare ask me how… you already know… this is done… we’re done… you don’t have to worry about it anymore… and neither do I… you should look into codepenency though… cause I’m convinced we both are… I’m getting help for it… you should too…

Co-dependent

I’m learning about this broad spectrum label of codependent. I know I am one but I don’t quite know what that means… to me I think it means that I’m attracted to the broken… or at least to the experienced people of life… they’ve seen a different side of life where families are torn apart and maybe even abusive… men who struggle with drug addiction and have had bad relationships with other women… they’ve been cheated on or cheated on someone else… I’m just getting out of one of those relationships where I’ve secluded myself from my friends and normal social interaction… still in the first week of it and today was the first day of depression… obviously nothing is working with the method of control and punishment used to make me into a “good girlfriend”… like there is such a thing… I’m realizing that I am not a bad person… more that this is a dysfunctional and co-dependent relationship… I’ve realized that I have 2 feet that are perfectly capable of holding me up… that I can move on my own and get a better stance if someone is trying to push me over… I’ve realized that my daughter isn’t getting any younger and if I don’t do something, anything, that her love and joy and compassion will be snuffed out by my own failure to take action in protecting her… I’ve realized that someday she will grow up to be a woman and I want her to know what to do when the first man who has a will to impose walks into her life… and the answer is send him packing cause she’s not weak and she doesn’t need a man to know herself or make her way in this world… I’m realizing that I don’t need anyone more to care for and that I can’t help the broken people who won’t help themselves… I’m learning how to walk away from all the lost causes and ignore the sirens on the rocks… this will be a journey worth documenting… and a story I will someday tell my daughter… the story of her mother’s success…

Daily observation 5

Sitting in my car before math class… noticing how many things I do in extremes… the latest regards my abusive nature and how I am coming to terms with how I am and my way to deal with it and make it better as well as my acceptance of others and what I am willing to let be present in my life… vague I know but I think I get what I’m eluding to without outright saying it… off to class now…

Daily observation 4

As I sit on the couch watching my daughter pick up the lego “tunnel” she piled around a chair, I can’t help but sigh at how much she is just like me at her age… one lego at a time she crawls on knees and elbows back and forth across the living room complaining that she’s tired… spending the most amount of energy possible while moving the least amount possible and taking forever to get the simplest task done… all cause “I don’t want to…….” and now I want to say the same thing my dad always told me… if you just do it and get it over with then you won’t have to do as much later and you’ll have more time to do other things… cleaning sucks… but the faster and more efficiently you do it the less it sucks overall… now how do I teach a 3 year-old this?

Daily observation 3

The way you laugh, smile, think, move. I love you… the way your face curves and wrinkles depending on your moods and thoughts… you may be almost 26 but you’re face looks much older… but in a good way… yet you still look like you’re 18 at the same time… your skin so freckled… and your hair not as red as it used to be… but curly… I love twisting your curls on my fingers… it’s like your hair is hugging me… I’ve missed you at night… listening to you breathe… I don’t know how to picture my life without you… no idea what comes next…